Silver Threads by Moonlight

Obviously, this isn't a spoof.  ^_^  I recived this a great many years ago and I always wanted to share it 
with others....as many as I could....now, as I was packing to move, I found it in my desk drawer.  So now, 
I give it to all of you.  Unfortunately, I cannot take the credit for actually writting this piece of nonsense,
and I honestly do not remember who did.....however, I did add my own comments from the "Peanut 
Gallery", so to speak.  ()= my comments...and they did not appear in the original text.  I give you......
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THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (TYPED BY: evilspoofauthor2Cassi)
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One of the fringe benifits of  being an English or History teacher is recieving the occasional jewel of a 
student blooper on an essay.  I have pasted together the following "History" of  the world  from certifibly
genuine student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
College level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the Dessert were cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge 
triangular cube.  The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree.  One of their sons, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked 
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.  
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One
of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Isrealites.  Paraoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread 
without straw.  Moses led the lead them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingrediants.  Afterwards, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten 
Commandments.  David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a
race of people who lived during Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had five hundred wives and
five hundred porcupines.  (good thing he didn't have a water bed)

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have History.  The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- 
Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had myths...a myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the
mother of Achillies dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.  Achillies appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer.  Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses
endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates
died of an overdose of wedlock.  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits-
(this teaches us...don't eat the biscuits), and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands.  There 
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high, they could not climb over to see what their 
neighbors were doing.   When they fought with the Persians (meow?), the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persains had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.  History calls people Romans because they never stayed
in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. (they didn't have 
many vampires at these banquets)  Julius Ceasar extinguished himself on the battlfields of Gaul.  The 
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King.  Nero was a cruel 
tyranny who would torture his poor victims by playing the fiddle for them.

Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames.  King Arthur lived in the Age of 
Shivery.  King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, and Joan of Arc was 
cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man be hanged twice for the same offense.

In the Midevil times, most people were alliterate.  The greatest writter of the time was Chaucer, who wrote
many verses and poems, and also wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple, while standing on his son's head.  (wouldn't you have LOVED to see that one?)

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.  Martin Luther
was nailed to a church door for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being 
excommunicated by a bull.  It was painter Donatello's (cowabunga, dude) interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg
invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.  Another
great invention was the circulation of blood.  (where would we be without that?)  Sir Francis Drake 
circumcized the world with a one hundred foot clipper.  (ouch)

The government of England was limited mockery.  Henry VIII found walking difficult bacause he had an
abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth  was the "Virgin Queen".  As a Queen, she was a great success.
She presented herself to her Royal navy, then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writter of the Renaissance was William Shapespear.  Shapespear never made much money 
and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writting traggedies,
comedies, and errors.  In one of Shapespear's famous plays,  Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady MacBeth tries to get MacBeth to kill the King by attacking
his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writting at the same time as Shape-
spear, was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great writter was John Milton.  Milton
wrote, "Paradise Lost", then his wife died and he wrote, "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance, America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great navigator, who discovered
America while cursing about the Atlantic.  (even though we all know the Vikings found it first)  His ships 
were the Nina, The Pinta, and The Santa Fe.  Later, the Pilgrams crossed the ocean and this was known
as "Pilgram's Progress."  When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who 
came down the hill, rolling their war hoops before them.  Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs.
(fresh seafood, anyone?)  Many of the Indian heros were killed along with their  cabooses, which proved
very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies
were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists 
would send their parcels through mail without stamps.  During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere
was throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing.  Finally, the
colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for the taxis.  (so how come we still have to?)

Delegates from the original thirteen collonies formed the Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a 
Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Frankiln had gone to
Boston, carrying all his clothes in his pocket, and a loaf of bread under each arm.  (quite a trick)  He
invented electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declaired, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.  (unlike Elvis)

George Washington married Martha Curtis, and in due time, became the father of our country.  (must 
have been one heck of a delivery)  Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution, people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was 
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. (strong fetus) When Lincoln was President, he
wore only a tall silk hat.  He said, "In onion, there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln  wrote the Gettysburg
Address, while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg, on the back of an envelope.  He also freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclaimation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negros
citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torture and lynch the ex-Negros and other innocent victims.
They claimed it represented law and odor.  This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare invented electricity and wrote a
book called, "Candy."  Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is cheifly noticable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.  

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half 
Italian, and half English.  He was very large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  (poor man)  Beethoven
wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf, he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827, and later died for this.

France was in a serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.  The
Marsaillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the
Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish 
Gorillas came down and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and 
was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
Baroness, she couldn't bare children.

The sun never set on the British Empire, because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the
West.  Queen Victoria was the longest Queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  (ouch)  Her reclining
years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.

The ninteenth Century was a time of many inventions and thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did
the work of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.  Louis Pasteur invented a cure
for Rabbis.  (now if someone would invent one for Jehovah's Witnesses, we'd be all set)  Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote, "Organ of the Spices."  Madman Curie discovered radium, and Karl Marx
became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assassination of the Arch Duck, by a Surf, ushered in a new error in 
the anals of human history.

THE END
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Please let me know what you think.   This is one of my favorite pieces of History.  Just don't try to use 
any of this stuff in your tests....your teachers might not have THAT big a sense of humor.^_~

**No offense to Jehovah's Witnesses is meant.  I have a friend who is one, I was just being .....me**